This isn’t to complain or moan. That is simply to inform a narrative. Friday is my birthday. This particular age normally will get you a statue in Central Park. I refused one as a result of I hate pigeons leaving their opinions on me.
For six months, I deliberate my once-in-a-lifetime occasion. The visitor listing had everybody much less these few unavoidably detained as a consequence of defective arithmetic.
A pal from years earlier than I joined the NYP in ’81, and who’s now within the White Home, rang to say blissful birthday. We recalled once I was a Miss Universe official — lengthy earlier than he purchased it — and he a single man. Seeking to meet the contestants. Who had been chaperoned.
With a monitor. Beneath lock and key. And but he did it. He managed up to now them.
At one level on the telephone yesterday, I mentioned: “Pay attention, honey, in the event you might deal with a locked skirt you’ll be able to deal with a locked-down nation.”
His entire Oval Workplace broke out laughing. I had no thought he had me on speaker.
Would’ve been good
For my birthday, I bypassed the place everybody celebrates ballroom weddings or bar mitzvahs. I picked West 42nd’s new venue Cnvs (it stands for Canvas) run by Arthur Backal, who’s organized worldwide galas.
Col Allan and Stephen Lynch, the NY Put up’s semi-geniuses, blew up my 500 entrance pages and crateloads of my photographs (predating Attila the Hun) for the partitions. Designers re-created the house into NYC streets. Charlie Chaplin silents had been to play towards a backdrop.
Waiters in old-timey barbershop quartet outfits. The president of 1930s-famous restaurant Schrafft’s re-created its menu for me.
Music? Songs of yesterday. A cowbell for consideration. Lazy Susans for every desk got here wrapped in headlines. Menus had been mini newspapers. The sidewalk was being wrapped in surroundings. My floor-length robe, 18-karat-gold-dipped threads, a classic from Japan’s Hanae Mori. And as NY Put up colleague Miranda Devine reported, a throne for me.
Why? As a result of not everybody makes it this far. Once you drop a fiver within the assortment plate and it’s no contribution, it’s an funding — you’ll be able to have fun. Final 12 months, Choose Judy flew a planeload of my buddies to an outing for my birthday. That’s the one which should stand endlessly.
This one? Canceled. Carried out. Over. By no means will attempt it once more.
Birthday mates
I’m as much as Week eight of my quarantine. Others whose birthday it’s — Streisand, Shirley MacLaine, Kelly Clarkson, Eric Bogosian — I don’t know what they’re doing. I’ll be in pajamas. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Being a particular excessive holy day, my housekeeper Nazalene says she’ll shmear it on raisin bread.
From pokey to black comedy
Felicity Huffman has a brand new film. Her first to return out since that little journey to the can. Darkish comedy. “Tammy’s All the time Dying.” It offers with an sickness knocking her off, besides she gained’t knock off. Undecided that for the chortle riot we’d like proper now that is such a fantastic thought. Nonetheless, it was filmed earlier than Operation Jail and premiered on the Toronto Worldwide Movie Competition the identical time as her sentencing. She is not going to be offering any quotes or interviews. The movie should do the speaking when it premieres on demand Could 1.
So, altering the clocks we went from Commonplace Time to the Twilight Zone. In the event you don’t social-distance from the fridge, you both come out of this quarantine as a prepare dinner or a drunk.
And overlook spinning rest room paper such as you’re on “Wheel of Fortune” or fastidiously fingering it like cracking a secure. Everybody’s absorbing a lot cleaning soap and disinfectant that once you pee, it cleans the bathroom.
I’m taking tomorrow off. I’m knocked out.
See you Monday, from the one place that basically issues, solely in New York, children, solely in New York.